Instruments of Righteousness

New beginnings in 2010! My mind was racing as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom the evening of January 1^st. “Why was Matthew so insistent that I go look in my room!? Something is up!” I thought as I rounded the corner into my bedroom doorway. I stopped in my tracks. I’m pretty sure my heart skipped a couple beats too. “Could it be!? This isn’t from Matthew, I know that.” I scanned my bedroom to make sure there wasn’t anything else waiting for me. It looked safe so I cautiously proceeded toward the items awaiting me on my desk. My mind was working triple time. “Is this for real!? Is this really happening? Does this mean what I think it means!!? No, it can’t be. But what else could it be!? It must be. It HAS to be!! But how? No, it’s not possible.”

Knowing we both have a teddy bear, Jonathan couldn't have come up with a more creative or special way of delivering his letter.

I just stood there, trying to sort it out in my mind. I reached down and touched the handmade quilt. “Who else could it be?” I ran my hand over the teddy bear’s soft fur and gave his arm a squeeze. “It’s him, I’m sure it is. I know this teddy bear. But what if I’m wrong?” My heart was pounding in my throat. I timidly reached for the scrolled up letter held in the paws of the soft brown teddy bear. My fingers were shaking too much, I couldn’t untie the purple ribbon that fastened the letter. “There’s no one else it could be!!!” my mind screamed as I yanked the purple ribbon off the end of the scroll. My eyes desperately scanned the words on the shaking paper for an answer. “IT IS HIM!!” This special teddy bear, JB (a.k.a. Jonnie Bear), had been sent to me as a messenger from a servant of Jesus Christ by the name of Jonathan M. Cox.

Jonathan was asking me to openly walk in the light with him in a relationship clearly headed toward marriage. I was overwhelmed with joy. Just one day prior I had admitted to my journal that I could not get Jonathan off my mind and heart. I couldn’t understand why the Lord wasn’t helping me view Jonathan as nothing more than a brother. Now I understood; God was preparing my heart. I was so happy! At long last I could freely and openly let my feelings for Jonathan be known. I didn’t have to hold them in and hide them anymore. God is so good!

Needless to say, I have accepted Jonathan’s invitation and am officially walking in the light with him in a relationship for the purpose of pursuing marriage. What a blessing to do things God’s way, with all purity, walking in the light. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for us as we seek God’s wisdom for our relationship.

So, who is Jonathan, how did I meet him, where did he come from, and what do I think I’m doing entering a relationship without getting your approval first? I met Jonathan Cox on August 10, 2009 when I went to the Clark County Fair to help out with the Soul Winning booth my church had there with Amazing Grace Mission. Jonathan was being trained in the fair ministry by the missionary, Rob Holm, who was heading up the booth. As we worked together at the fair, I quickly noticed that Jonathan wasn’t just any guy. He was a sincere, respectable, and honest young man, earnestly seeking to live a life pleasing to the Lord. He was passionate about sharing the gospel with lost souls and he wasn’t afraid to push me out of my comfort zone, challenging me to study and be a workman that needeth not to be ashamed (2 Tim 2:15).

Jonathan

Feeling that it is very important for a single girl to keep her focus on serving the Lord, I have always done my best to view every guy as a brother and nothing more. Whenever I would struggle with this, I would pray and ask for God’s help to view the guy as only a brother and God would graciously answer that prayer. During the next few days at the Clark County Fair, I started to get acquainted with Jonathan. I quickly discovered a shocking number of similarities. “Great,” I thought. “This one’s going to be tough to view as only a brother.” As usual, I took my struggle to the Lord and handed it over to him. I knew that God could bring a guy into my life and make it clear that he was the one for me to marry without any help from me; I would only mess things up.

At the end of the Clark County Fair, I realized how much I was going to miss helping out at the booth. What a blessing it was to be able to share the gospel with numerous people every day. And I had learned so much from both Rob and Jonathan. People had asked me numerous questions; every day I would go home and study my Bible to try to find answers. I was in the race, I was fighting the fight, and I was addicted to the ministry. I wasn’t ready for it to be over. Brother Holm interrupted my sad thoughts by saying, “It’d be great to have you at the California State Fair!” “How would I get there!?” I said. Then the thoughts started going through my head. “What a wild idea! Seriously? Why am I even considering this? I really want to go! Hmmmm.”

After much prayer, and talking it over with my parents and my pastor, I called Rob Holm and said, “I’m interested in going to help with the California State Fair.” One week later, my fiddle, my teddy bear, and I headed to California. I couldn’t believe Dad was letting me go. I couldn’t believe I was going. But it couldn’t have been clearer to me that God wanted me to go to California, I just didn’t know why. As I drove, I had A LOT of time for thinking. And I had a lot to think about. I realized that I would have been headed back to college right then if the Lord hadn’t made it clear to me that he didn’t want me to return to college. I didn’t know why he didn’t want me back at college, I just knew he didn’t. I also realized I wouldn’t be able to go to California like that if I had a regular job, something I’d considered looking into at the beginning of the summer. I had decided that I should keep my focus on what the Lord had already provided for me: my violin studio. Therefore, I was not tied down by a job and was able to just reschedule my student’s lessons.

I thought God had answered my prayer to help me view Jonathan as nothing more than a brother…until about a week into the California State Fair. The struggles were back, only they’d grown a lot while they were away. Oh dear! And I had an entire week to go! What was I going to do? I had to get victory! But it didn’t matter how much I prayed or tried…it wouldn’t leave me alone. I felt hopeless. After some conversations with a few different people, and having them pray for me, I once again thought the Lord was helping me view Jonathan as a brother. Thank the Lord! What a relief. My focus was back on the Lord and the work he had for me to do at the fair. I was able to interact with Jonathan as a brother for the rest of the time we had together in California, and it was a great blessing. Being a girl, it wasn’t safe for me to roam the fairgrounds alone so Jonathan would escort me to and from the booth each day. We did some other things together when we weren’t busy at the fair too. The fellowship was very refreshing and a much needed break from the work at the fair.

So I basically spent 3 weeks working with Jonathan. I got to know him pretty well during that time. After returning home, Jonathan and I were staying in touch as brother and sister. This was working out great for a while but the longer I was away from him, the more I realized that I missed him. He lives in Salem, OR, two hours South of my house. I had seen him 3 times since we got home from California. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. When I realized how I felt, I realized I couldn’t keep corresponding with Jonathan the way I had been. I seriously considered sending him an email, asking him to delete all the letters I’d ever sent him; telling him that I was no longer able to treat him as only a brother and, for the sake of guarding my heart, I needed to break contact with him. But the Lord would not give me peace about this.

Out of sheer frustration, I finally went to my journal to sort out my thoughts. That was December 31^st, my last journal entry for 2009. I had never admitted to my journal that I was interested in Jonathan because I only wanted to write about one guy in my journal; the guy I would marry. But I desperately needed to sort out my thoughts, something I frequently use my journal for. In my journal, I stated that I thought it was important for a girl to treat every guy as a brother until the guy she’s supposed to marry goes to her dad to get his permission and blessing to win her heart. Little did I know the night before I wrote that, Jonathan had done just that!!!

I knew I wasn’t supposed to return to college at the University of Puget Sound, but I didn’t know why. I knew I was supposed to go to California to help with the California State Fair, but I didn’t know why. I knew I was supposed to focus on my violin studio, but I didn’t know why. I thought I should be able to view Jonathan as a brother, but I didn’t know why I couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t supposed to ask Jonathan to stop contacting me, but I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do because I knew something had to change. I’m so thankful that God is God and he has it all under control. He is the master orchestrator!

If you would like to read Jonathan’s perspective, visit his blog: Somebody New in Jonathan’s Life

Psalm 46:10a “Be still, and know that I [am] God…” – He is God!! He is in complete control and he knows exactly what he’s doing and why he’s doing it. And, if God wants something to happen, it will! What great peace there is in that truth.

Proverbs 4:26 “Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established.”

Proverbs 3:5 – 6 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” – Oh that men would trust Him more!

Psalm 37:4 “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”

There are about 15 different topics I would love to write about but there just isn’t time. Life gets busy, as it should, and there is always time for the things we make time for, but we must keep our priorities straight. I have a feeling I will always have more than one thing I’d like to write about on my blog, so I shall always do my best to choose just one or two topics and write about those as time allows. Today I chose the question, where am I going?

As I travel through life and do my day to day tasks, what am I doing? what is my purpose? where am I going? I get up in the morning (so that I can get tired all day so that I can sleep the next night), do my devotions, feed my animals (so they can just get hungry again), feed myself (so I can just get hungry again), clean the house (so it can just get dirty again), study school (so I can study more when I finish that), try to check each item off my to-do list (so I can start on a new list the next day), practice violin (because I will loose my ability to play if I don’t), teach violin (so I can make money so I can buy the things I need to buy so that I can live so that I can keeping teaching so that I can make more money so that…wait, am I going in a circle?)…wow! That’s rather depressing! Solomon, the wisest man there ever was, or ever will be, thought so too.

Eccl 1:14  I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all [is] vanity and vexation of spirit.

Eccl 2:11  Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labour that I had laboured to do: and, behold, all [was] vanity and vexation of spirit, and [there was] no profit under the sun.

Eccl 2:17  Therefore I hated life; because the work that is wrought under the sun [is] grievous unto me: for all [is] vanity and vexation of spirit.

No, that is indeed the wrong perspective to have on life. My purpose is to please the Lord (Rev 4:11). Therefore, the answer to questions like, what am I doing? or where am I going? need to please the Lord or else “Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all [is] vanity.” (Eccl 1:2)

Okay, let’s try this again: I get up in the morning (so that I can praise the Lord and serve Him all day long), do my devotions (so I can strengthen my relationship with my Saviour, learning more about Him and His ways), feed my animals (so I can get my morning exercise, enjoy God’s creation, and learn from them; they give endless numbers of examples of a master/servant relationship), feed myself (so as to gain the strength I need to fulfill the tasks the Lord has for me to accomplish that day), clean the house (1 Cor 14:40 “Let all things be done decently and in order.”, so we can be “given to hospitality” Rom 12:13), study school (Pro 18:15 “The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge; and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge.”), try to check each item off my to-do list (People have learned that checklists help us get things done more efficiently. Eph 5:16 “Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.”), practice violin (Psa 33:3 “Sing unto him a new song; play skilfully with a loud noise.”), teach violin (so I can pass along the gift of music)…ahh, how refreshing! What a difference!

Every task that God has for us to do each day has a purpose. A purpose that serves the ultimate purpose of pleasing Him. A purpose of shaping us (the clay) into what He (the potter) wants us to be.

Isa 64:8 “But now, O LORD, thou [art] our father; we [are] the clay, and thou our potter; and we all [are] the work of thy hand.”

Growing up, I spent most of my time learning music or helping Dad with building projects. When I wasn’t doing that, I was off in the woods with animals doing whatever kids do. Oh yeah, and I did do a bit of school here and there. If you looked at one of my days growing up, it would appear that I wasn’t learning much. But when I was old enough to go to college, all those days added together had prepared me for it and I was accepted at the University level, which surprised me.

We like to see noticeable progress or change in our life every day. We get impatient and think that God isn’t working in our life. But really, He is, it’s just that he knows He has eternity. James 4:14 “…For what [is] your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.” God is outside of time. You probably aren’t going to notice God changing you. But if you look back on your life, you will probably, hopefully, be able to see that he has been working on you.

If I am just willing to do whatever God wants me to do, however big or small, important or menial it may appear to be, he will use it to prepare me for the things he has for me to do later in my life. I don’t need to understand how helping Dad screw the roofing on, or studying Principles of Marketing is going to help me later in life. I just need to do everything as unto the Lord.

Col 3:23  “And whatsoever ye do, do [it] heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;”

So then, where am I going? Wherever God is taking me. When I was little I was very confident I would become a veterinarian when I grew up. Then, when I was about 15, getting very serious about playing the violin, I was quite confident I would become a professional musician. And now, I have no idea! But I’m pretty sure it won’t be either a veterinarian or a professional musician. At least, that won’t be my main title. Maybe I’ll always work with animals and music, who knows. I’m already playing and teaching music “professionally” (since that only means that you are paid to do it). I read in a book one time that your job is “what you do, not who you are.” I’m not a violinist, but I do play the violin.  I am a child of God, saved by grace, through faith, called according to His purpose!

So then you might ask, but if you don’t become a professional musician, doesn’t that mean you wasted all those years of studying, practicing, and lessons? Absolutely not. God has taught me so many things through all of that…but don’t get ahead of me! That’s my next blog entry.

I spent a lot of time these past few weeks hunting. Here I am at the end of the season, with no meat. I’ve thought about that a bit off and on. Does the fact that I didn’t get any meat mean that I wasted all the time I spent hunting? No, though it feels like it at times. If getting meat were the only reason I was going to go hunting, I probably wouldn’t have gone. Though I may not of brought any meat home, I did get to spend a lot of time in the woods enjoying God’s creation, I most certainly got my exercise, enjoyed some great fellowship, learned a lot about how to hunt, saw 20 running animals, and realized that the animals are much much smater than humans. One of my fellow hunters said, “They do this for a living! We come out here and do it once a year.”

Matthew and I completed the design for my site. What do you think!? I think my brother is a genius to be able to convert an html/css design into a wordpress blog template. My head hurt just watching him do it. He did all the work, I just sat there and watched. Thanks Matthew! I like it a lot.

How exciting! My own website. This is just a template form for now. I’m working on a design and full website which I will be posting as soon as it’s ready.  It’s pretty intense though so it will probably be a while.

If you drop by and check this out, be sure to leave a comment and let me know. I haven’t told but a couple people about this site so I’m just curious how many people know about it.

Anna and I at Ski Bowl on Mt. Hood

I’m ready to hit the slopes again!!! Anybody wanna join me!?